NOT MERELY TO EXIST
Penni Livingston
What is my contribution?
Today? This week? This year?
What is yours?
People to love and help and influence
little things and big things
that make life worth striving for
My first year as an environmental prosecutor,
I was given 40 democratic event tickets to buy
the price they wanted for job security sent me in a loop
I approached Nanette, Vice President of my Bank
who said she would buy several and attend my banquet
but only if I joined her women’s group
I did not know this part of political office
and selling the tickets to save myself debt
was definitely not my bag
In future years I just bought all the tickets known as a “lug”
that helped keep my boss in office, a good thing
but what a financial drag
The women’s group met at the school
where contribution was focused
each meeting we recited a poem about how to live
We put together book drives and ran a santa’s workshop for kids
to buy cheap presents for their parents
so they could learn to give
We spent a great deal of time debating to buy
an expensive 8 lb reality baby doll that cried
but was impossible to kill
Hold it, feed it, change its diaper
or the computer chip would tell the teacher
the theme I hoped most pronounced: wait and take the pill
As a lawyer, wife, and mother, a citizen,
Christian, thinker, aunt, daughter, a
as an active participant in life, I was at first quite mift
To speak outloud the Junior Women’s motto
where the last line seemed a little lame
“not merely to exist” did not my spirit lift
Now that my church has closed from lack of being peopled
and I’ve resigned my post as lawyer
for Earth’s great cause
All these years later, I’m awakened to that last little line
Not merely to exist
and it causes me to pause
Sure I’ve got teenage grandkids
definitely worth the rearing
I’m glad to say my kids still love, respect and need me
My mom and dog live near these kids
from a hard move the week my dad died
She complains too much but has people to do art with
My siblings are 5 hours away yet never seem to visit
this unique 80 plus mother of ours
I return from 3 mere months away on October 5th.
Just in time for the birthdays of one daughter,
my mother, and best friend and to see my youngest
in a new job and a new house
I sold my long held house and forest,
gave most my things away
and took off for Costa Rica with my third spouse
Seems weird to think I could have been but 49
when my high school sweetheart died
and left me here behind
A short second marriage resulted
where my naivete cost me much yet I learned
divorced quickly to avoid more narcissistic grind
I lost a big case a few weeks after I walked the divorce through
the jury did decide
but got lucky in love again later that same year
The world keeps changing as does the climate
I reflect now most days
And see the changes in my own mirror
Breast cancer did not take me down
yet chemo and radiation were hard on me
I gifted orchids and treasured rocks, grateful to be saved
I’m still recovering here in nature’s lovely path
and wondering what roads of happiness
my chosen acts have paved
This is my 60th year this life headed for 61
the year I was born
waiting, I guess, til the next mission does show
I write and walk and smile at live things a lot
I still can’t cook for shit
reflecting on what past and what I think I know
My lack of incessant busyness
has called my worth to question:
Am I now merely existing?
The angels of my better part
hear my struggles and do impart
the message I’m resisting
Even God rested on the 7th day
to let the works churn on their own
Can I not rest awhile?
Remembering without regret and with a sober mind
I did my best and I still do
and I am not on trial
I did my time without much crime my works are seen
my motives were always pure
my sins forgiven as openly confessed
I smile as I love my life as hard as it might seem
I get the message clear this time:
Not merely to exist (or work), you exist as God’s guest.
About this poem: So autobiographical so scary to publish. I woke to that Junior women’s pledge very early this morning and this poem then wrote itself as my answer to my perceived lack of current contribution from retiring after 34 years on the front lines of environmental legal wars and from leaving my family recently for a jaunt in a beautiful foreign land.
