Sounds like you are healing very well, exactly as you should. When my husband died, I grieved heavy. My license plate said “In Love 7” and I was so in love. I did not avoid the feelings or bury anything about our lives. I went into all the feelings and it was a powerful healing. You cannot just forget about this person you loved. You can sing and dance the songs and look at photos and write poems and read books but forgetting is not likely.

A lady I knew called me about a month in on Valentine’s day and told me she called to say happy Friend day. She told me that her son was murdered in a drug deal gone bad and she sat with him for 12 hours before he died. She visits his grave twice a week. She was grieving hard and gave me good advise about what would come including that my cells would eventually adjust and stop missing him. I asked her when her son died and she said 8 years ago.

Oh hell no! I am not going to daily grieve for 8 years! I am not going to stay in sadness as my life status forward. Even tho I got so much out of the conversation, what I really got was a wake up call. I still grieved daily for another 5 months and beyond that less frequently still I am sure. I did not avoid the overwhelming feelings or deny my situation to myself but I did not let it linger any longer than it needed to either. I would catch myself smiling at a butterfly and tell myself that I am ok. You are ok too.

It has now been 9 years for me. I still love that man I was with for 34 years and I appreciate him and speak kindly about him to our kids. I have remarried and maintained my happy spirit but I gained a compassion that is more powerful than sadness. I believe I gained it by leaning into the feelings as you advise.

Words don’t really comfort but this shared experience of loss is universal. We all must experience it sometime. There is an equality there even if no fairness.

Thanks for writing!