To exercise my writing muscle,I recently wrote about some of my early experiences, lesson learners, good and ugly. I feel your pain on the raw rage of a father who could be protective even as he was the greatest danger and who would tell other things that needed told when the reaction would be violence against someone. I appreciate the points you make here. Hard stuff. I took the quiz you link to and got a 7.

Not good but I got therapy when I was 15 and it really helped! I remember the therapist saying to me one day, “You are surrounded by really screwed up people. It’s actually a miracle how well adjusted you are. You are going to be alright. It really is them, not you.”

I come back to this expressed truth from time to time and know no blame or shame on me for what others did or how they were. Personalty disorders (border line) were in three generations and I am so grateful I escaped. While I do not always remember people’s names well, I know the name of that therapist from over 40 years ago: Marcy Lewis. Thank God for therapists.

Thanks for being brave enough to hit publish and for bringing out the nuggets of truth that we get damaged by abuse but we also can get better. I left home when I was 16 and I have accomplished much in my life for the betterment of the world without major addiction or rage. I never beat my kids. I was never beaten as an adult. I did not go into that helping profession for my life work — no thanks- but instead I became a lawyer who works for justice perhaps influenced by knowing injustice early.

We can improve the lot we are dealt. Yet we need to know the lot some of us are dealt really is harmful and it takes real work to get through the unworthiness tapes that want to play in one’s head. Children are our greatest asset and worthy of protection as well as love.

Thanks again for sharing and for citing the scientific evidence. Its what we do with the damage that counts more than the fact that damage occurs.

My dad died in 2018. While he did not know who he was when he went, he was happy and smiling, even with tubes in his veins, even not being able to eat. I love that his innate self, before his parents beat it out of him, was happy. That made letting go of everything a little easier- that we can kiss an era and a person good bye with real forgiveness is powerful healing. It took a lot of little forgivenesses all along of course.

I was 30 when I told him how uncool I thought it was to blame me for his divorcing mom and leaving (“If you weren’t such a bitch, I would not have to go.” seriously? Try not beating us up or try not cheating on mom and bringing her home a disease. Of course I did not know that at the time.) Even with all the damage, I am so grateful I got to see who my dad could have been if he had not scored so high on the ACE quiz himself.